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I'm Done

I've been a Christian my whole life.  My childhood years were full of activities very common in our culture today - Sunday school, youth group, and summer camps.  During my teens I transitioned into being a youth leader, worship leader, camp counselor, and nursery school teacher.  I attended a well-known Christian university in college and became a public school teacher…but I left my chosen profession of teaching (and my comfy, decent-paying job) after 4 years to attend a Bible college.  My life became more "ministry" centered, and I worked as a personal assistant to a minister and his wife, and eventually as a worship director in churches.

Through all those experiences, I loved Jesus, and was so grateful for what He'd done for me.  In keeping with what I'd been taught over the years, I did whatever it took to get closer to Him.  Being very self-reflective, I was a pro at identifying all my supposed imperfections and failures.  I kept tallies in my head of the "good" things I did, and the not so good things…feeling God was pleased with me, and very close, when I made the "right" choices, and that He was ashamed and upset with me when I messed up.  He was always gracious to me, but any peace I felt would soon be disturbed by thoughts that I could have done better. 

So I lived in a cycle of striving to do good, missing the mark, feeling very condemned, and striving to do better.  I read anything that could help me in the pursuit of doing more to please Him, or appease Him;  many people suggested praying and fasting more, so, this is what I did.  But even doing all these things, I still battled condemnation.  I'd pray for an hour, feeling good about myself, and refreshed from His presence…but afterwards, in the back of my mind, I'd be thinking, I should have prayed for two hours.  Or, after sharing the Gospel on the streets and seeing people accept Christ, I'd still feel guilty that I didn't pray with more people. 





Nothing I did was ever good enough.  Cause really, you can never pray enough, fast enough, or win enough souls to appease that little voice that says, "You're NOT good enough."  It turned me into a tired, anxious mess, burdened under a load of guilt and condemnation.  




But over this past year, everything changed.  
I moved in with my brother and sister last June, and while it was a convenient move, my heavenly Father had a special reason for us living together.  My brother began ministering to me about the true Gospel, and why it's called the good news.   My life radically changed because of a change in thinking.  I realized that the Gospel isn't all about me, and what I can achieve through my best efforts.  It's all about Him and what He's done.  When Jesus  died and said, "It is finished," He meant it.  He accomplished everything necessary so I could come into my inheritance, which is Himself..we are one. 



He crucified the sinful, old nature and gave me Himself, and His identity.  I now have Christ's nature and in Him, I am perfect.  I don't spend time any more trying to crucify the old nature, cause it's dead…and you can't kill something that's already dead.  His righteousness is now my righteousness.  The Father is pleased with His Son, and is pleased with Me.  My life is hidden in Christ with God.  So, all my strivings in the past to be closer to God, were in vain, because I'm already in Him…you can't get any closer to someone than being in them.  I rule and reign with Him, seated at the right hand of the Father.  It's funny to me, cause I've read these truths in the Bible so many times, but I never understood them.  I thought I had to fight, weep, and pray endlessly to get what I already had, what Christ had already attained for me.  




 
So I am done striving for what I already have.  The peace and joy I feel are so great I sometimes can't contain myself…and I am so thankful to the Lord for revealing the Truth to me.  He's started a new chapter in my life, and for this I am very grateful. 




Comments

  1. I am so happy that you are now feeling such joy. His love is unconditional and you are deserving of all good things.

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    1. Yes! Thank you for the encouragement!:) By the way, I LOVE your site...I'm a big fan of Richard Armitage, and your newest postings were QUITE lovely to look at;)

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  2. This is such an encouraging post! It is so true. Christ paid the ultimate sacrifice for us so that we could live for Him. We should still do everything for God to the best of our abilities, but we shouldn't completely beat ourselves up when we fail or when we feel we aren't up to God's standards. We ARE God's, because of what Jesus did for us. Even the people God used in the Bible to do such great things were human and made mistakes!! Thanks for sharing this! :)

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  3. God is so good, isn't He? What a wonderful testimony this was and what an encouragement to me! I clicked over from Jeanine's blog and I'm very glad I did. Looking forward to more posts from you! :)

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    1. Thanks Kara! I'm so glad you were encouraged...He is soo good and soo faithful:)

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